Boundaries Our PHYSICAL BOUNDARIES are violated whenever someone touches us, hits us, goes into our house or our room, reads our diary, snoops through our personal effects, uses our tools or our hair dryer, tickles us, etc., etc., etc., when we don't want them to. Sometimes a physical boundary violation also can be a sexual, emotional, money, time or intellectual boundary violation. In fact, all of these boundaries overlap one another quite a bit. An INTELLECTUAL BOUNDARY violation happens when someone "gets into our heads" and tries to discount or steal what we think. "Oh, why do you think that?" "You don't think that pollution is a problem, do you?" "How could you think that?" Our EMOTIONAL BOUNDARIES get violated when our feelings are discounted, ignored, criticized, belittled and taken for granted "How could you feel that!?" "You don't feel sad, do you?" "Wipe that smile off your face." "I'll give you something to cry about." "I can't be around you when you cry." "You have no right to be angry." Our SOCIAL BOUNDARIES include those we choose to be with and under what circumstances. "You don't like large parties? What's the matter with you?" "You don't like Joe or Kim? What's the matter with you?" SEXUAL BOUNDARIES have a lot to do with privacy, what we choose to do with or have done to our bodies, those we choose to do it with, how we are touched and by whom. It is obvious that rape is a sexual boundary violation. It is not so obvious that having someone stare and leer at us in an objectifying way is also a sexual boundary violation. TIME BOUNDARIES have to do with our comfort level for getting things done in the world. Some of us thrive on deadlines and "being almost late," while others of us need to have a buffer of time between things that we do. Some of us need two hours to get ready in the morning, and others of us need 30 minutes. All of us need to respect our own and others' boundaries around time. MONEY BOUNDARIES have to do with how we spend it, how we save it, what we do with it, and how much of it we need to earn to feel safe. BOUNDARIES are set by saying "yes" or "no." When we say "yes" but really feel like saying "no," we have stepped into a Trap. When we say "no" when we really wanted to say "yes," we have stepped into a Trap. Having clear, flexible boundaries is the key to having a clear, flexible identity. author unknown