25 Ways To Feel, Deal and Heal from Grief Accept your loss. Numbness and disbelief are natural responses to the death of a loved one. Resist any temptation to deny or suppress feelings about the loss. "When someone dies, even if the death is expected, there is always a sense that it hasn't happened," notes J. William Worden, Ph.D., author of Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy. "The first task of grieving is to come full face with the reality that the person is dead, that the person is gone and will not return." Expect to feel a multitude of emotions. In the early months of the grieving process, you will feel a wide variety of confusing, conflicting emotions. Some of the feelings you may experience include anxiety, depression, guilt, regret, anger, frustration and fear—all coupled with feeling disorganized and disoriented. Talk about your feelings. Find a few good listeners. Talking helps you accept and resolve your loss. "Empty out your feelings. Cry when you need to cry. Be angry when you feel angry. Don't suppress yourself or pretend to be stoical. The more you express your pain, the more you free yourself from it," says Judy Tatelbaum, an author and social worker. Make the choice to heal. As strange as it may seem, some people choose to remain in a state of unending grief. They find odd comfort in holding onto the pain. Early in your bereavement, make the choice to heal. Adopt the attitude, "I will recover and move on!" Refuse to give up on life. Refuse to close yourself to new opportunities. Choose to go on. Choose to go through the pain and live with it until it subsides. Learn about bereavement issues. In her book Widow, Lynn Caine, whose husband died in his 40s, says that it would have been very helpful to have known more about the bereavement process. "If only someone whom I respected had sat me down after Martin died and said, 'Now, Lynn, bereavement is a wound. It's like being very, very badly hurt... you will recover. But recovery will be slow... Little by little, you will be whole again. And you will be a stronger person. Just as a broken bone knits and becomes stronger than before, so will you.'" Rather than stumble through grief, read some books about it. Educate yourself so you will understand what is happening to you. This knowledge will help you feel more in control. Stay in touch with people who are helpful to you. Some people have a special gift for bringing comfort and consolation. Keep in touch with those unique individuals and let their friendship lift your spirits. Keep a journal. Writing is a powerful and therapeutic way of expressing pain. You can write without worrying about how you "sound" since no one else will read your journal. "A daily journal became my instrument for survival," recalls one widower. Be willing to change. The death of a loved one will bring changes, large and small, into your life. Do not resist these. Embrace them in order to allow new ways of living to emerge for you. Join a grief support group. This will help you break the isolation and loneliness you may be experiencing. Moreover, in a group you will see others successfully coping with loss. This is sure to fill you with confidence that you can do the same. Be patient. Do not expect miracles overnight. There is no quick fix for grief. It takes time—usually much longer than most people expect. Remember this wisdom from William Shakespeare: "How poor are they that have not patience! What wound did ever heal but by degrees?" Tap into your spiritual side. Alan Wolfelt, Ph.D., a noted bereavement authority, offers this advice. "If faith is part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you," he says. "Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs." Employ the therapy of laughter. Although it may appear that grief and laughter are mutually exclusive, they do come together. "Laughter permits you to approach grief, reduce it to size, and manage loss effectively," observes Rabbi Earl Grollman, a noted authority on bereavement. "Like a safety valve, humor offers a shift in perspective and energy that restores a sense of balance. It's okay to laugh again," he says. Go easy on yourself. Remind yourself that grieving is hard work, and that it takes a toll on you emotionally and will leave you feeling exhausted. Therefore, be gentle with yourself. "The simplest habits of daily living, such as shopping, eating, sleeping or dressing, may become burdensome for a while, but every day you survive takes you farther along the path to recovery," says Nancy O'Connor, Ph.D., in her book Letting Go With Love: The Grieving Process. Expect some friend-shifts. "Don't be alarmed if friends or relatives on whom you may have counted most for support turn out to be a total loss. No call, no invitation, just silence. You will feel shocked, hurt, angry," says Harris E. Adriance, who wrote a booklet on grieving titled Challenge shortly after his own wife died. "Some doors just shut without any visible reason. Fortunately, there is a counterbalance to this very disturbing situation. New friends appear and you find a special warmth and understanding in people you scarcely knew before or from whom you least expected such a rewarding association." If you have children, bring them into the grieving process. "They should not be shielded from tragedy," says Rabbi Grollman. "Death is a crisis that should be shared by all members of the family. Children too often are forgotten by grieving adults. Silence and secrecy deprive them of an important opportunity to share grief. When in your heartache youoverlook your children's feelings, you heighten their sense of isolation. The youngsters need your help to sort out their emotions," he says. Take care of your health. Eat balanced, nutritious meals. Drink plenty of water daily. If you are concerned about your health for any reason, consult your physician. A physical checkup shortly after your loss is a good idea. Keep busy. The fact is that you cannot dwell on your sorrow every waking moment. Keeping busy at various tasks will give you a break from the grief. "Getting out of the house and going to my part-time job every day has been a big boost to my mental health," says Carolyn, whose husband died from a terminal illness at 39. Avoid drugs and alcohol. Do not resort to sleeping pills or alcohol to soften the pain. The use of such substances only delays the healing process and often creates other more serious problems. Know that the wound takes a long time to heal. The first year is often the worst because it involves a cycle whereby you move through various events without your loved one, such as holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. Most people say it takes between three and five years for the wound of grief to heal. It is a gradual process. Resume your daily routine. As soon as possible, go back to work. Stay involved in religious activities, and remain socially engaged—even if you do not feel like it. Following a daily routine will establish important normal rhythms to your living. Exercise. Many bereaved people report that vigorous daily exercise was extremely beneficial in easing depression and generally keeping them physically fit. Therefore, run, walk, jog, bike, swim, join a gym or take an aerobics class. Tell yourself, "I will triumph over this." Be positive about your ability to overcome the tragedy in your life. Be inspired by these words from Helen Keller: "Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it." Be an overcomer! Hold off on making major decisions. For a full year after your loss, do not make any major decisions unless absolutely necessary. Do not sell your house, do not move out of state, do not make any large investments. Give yourself a year to recover from the loss before considering any major change. By that time, you will be in a better emotional state and will be more capable of making a wise decision. Ignore "shoulds." Some people will insist on giving you all sorts of advice and tell you what you "should" or "should not" do. Be courteous and civil toward these individuals as they mean well, but be guided by your own intuitions about what you ought to do. Stay engaged with life. "Accept all the invitations you can, even if your impulse is to say no," advises Harris Adriance. "You need to get out of yourself and to see other people. Invariably it helps give you a boost, mentally and physically." author of compilation unknown