Checklist For Hidden Anger If we have any national fault, it is hiding our own anger from ourselves. Here is a checklist to help you determine if You are hiding your anger from yourself. Any of these is usually a sign of hidden unexpressed anger. 1. procrastination in the completion of imposed tasks 2. perpetual or habitual lateness 3. a liking for sadistic or ironic humor 4. sarcasm, cynicism or flippancy in conversation 5. over politeness, constant cheerfulness, attitude of "grin and bear it" 6. frequent sighing 7. smiling while hurting 8. frequent disturbing or frightening dreams 9. over-controlled monotone speaking voice 10. difficulty in getting to sleep or sleep through the night 11. boredom, apathy, loss of interest in things you are usually enthusiastic about 12. slowing down of movements 13. getting tired more easily than usual 14. excessive irritability over trifles 15. getting drowsy at inappropriate times 16. sleeping more than usual -- maybe 12 to 14 hours a day 17. waking up tired rather than rested and refreshed 18. clenched jaws -- especially while sleeping 19. facial tics, spasmodic foot movements, habitual fist clenching and similar repeated physical acts done unintentionally or unaware 20. grinding of the teeth.-- especially while sleeping 21. chronically stiff or sore neck or shoulder muscles 22. chronic depression -- extended periods of feeling down for no reason 23. stomach ulcers Because you are unaware of being angry does not mean that you are not angry. It is the anger you are unaware of which can do most damage to you and to your relationships with other people, since it does get expressed, but in inappropriate ways. Freud once likened anger to the smoke in old-fashioned wood-burning stove. The normal avenue for discharge of the smoke is up the chimney; if the normal avenue is blocked, the smoke will leak out of the stove in unintended ways -- around the door, through the grates. etc. -- choking everyone in the room. If all avenues of escape are blocked, the fire goes out. and the stove ceases to function. The process of dealing with negative feelings can be divided into three parts for purposes of discussion, although the living of it is all of a piece. The parts are: 1. recognition of the feelings 2. owning it -- acknowledging that it is yours 3. discharging it -- acting on it in some way RECOGNITION: Everybody has his own bodily signals indicating current, on-the-spot anger. Look for yours; friends and relatives may be helpful, since they may be aware of your irritation before you are, and may be able to tell you how they can tell when you are upset. Some common signals are: clamming up; blushing; shortening of breath; drumming with fingers; foot tapping, shaking or twisting; laughing when nothing amusing is happening; patting or stroking the back of the head; clenching jaws or fists; tucking a thumb inside a fist; yawning or getting drowsy; suddenly refusing eye contact with another person; fidgeting; apologizing when none is ask for; a pain in the neck, gut. or back; headaches; a rise in voice pitch. The list is interminable; try to find out what your signals are. OWNING IT: The anger is yours. The other person may have said or done something that punched your anger button, but the anger is yours, and so are the feelings it triggers. You cannot make someone else responsible for your own feelings. Blaming does not help. Nothing the other person does will help, unless it is in response to something you do. Accepting anger as your own is easier if you discard the idea that feelings need to be justified. They don't, and frequently cannot be. "Should" and "feel" are two words which do not belong together. It is senseless to say that someone "should feel" some way. Feelings are just there in the same way your skin, muscles, and vital organs are just there. In fact, it is downright harmful to worry about what your feelings "should be." Such worry will get in the way of finding out what your feelings are. Knowing what your feelings are is the best start to deciding on the best thing to do. DISCHARGING IT: First, foremost, and always, DON'T HIDE IT. You'll probably not be successful, anyway. Anger demands expression:. if you have recognized it and owned it, then you will have a choice of when, where; and how you may express it. Society (and your own safety) forbids violence. Friendships or other interpersonal relationships (such as husband/wife, employer/ employee) make explosive verbal expression ultimately self-defeating. Just saying "That makes me angry," or "I do not like it when..." may not be as satisfying as bashing someone, but it is far more satisfying than saying and doing nothing. There are in reality a few situations in which it is to your best interest to delay expression, but none in which you can afford to delay recognition or owning. The items in the list are all danger signals that negative feelings are being bottled up inside. It is true that each of them can have causes other than anger (procrastination, for example, can be due to an unreasonable fear of failure), but the presence of any of them is reason enough for you to look within yourself for buried resentments. If you are human, you will find some. If you are fortunate, you will find few, since you will have learned effective ways of discharging them. If you are like most of us, you will need to unlearn some old habits before you can learn new ways of handling "bad" feelings -- ways which are constructive rather than destructive. author unknown