Domestic Violence: Why Women Stay It can be truly confusing to people on the outside looking in, wondering why a woman would stay with a man who beats her. Those who don't understand say things like, "I'd leave him in a heartbeat if he ever hit me -- it would only take one time!"And yet, despite repeated assaults, -- which can include trips to the emergency room, irreparable physical damage, alienation from family and friends, deteriorating self-esteem, children who live in fear, repeated calls for police protection, and threats of death, -- many women remain with the men who abuse them. There can be many reasons, with more than one contributing to the problem. The categories are not discrete, with many overlapping characteristics among the arbitrary divisions. The Safety Seeker: It may be familiar, and oddly enough, a comfortable lifestyle. The Blind: Not realizing it is "abuse." The Worthless: "No one else would ever love me." The Defective: "I deserved it; I'll do better." The Manager: "I can keep it from happening again." The Gullible: "He's really sorry, and it won't happen again." The Pretender: "I know I make him sound terrible, but he's really a good person most of the time." The Defender: "He didn't mean to hurt me." The Caretaker: "No one else understands him the way I do." The Fantasizer: "But I love him." The Martyr: "He isn't hurting the children; if he ever did, I'd leave." The Helpless: "I can't support the children on my own." The Hopeless: "He'll kill me if I try to leave him." These reasons may not be as simple as they initially appear, and warrant further explanation. THE SAFETY SEEKER: It may be familiar, and oddly enough, a comfortable lifestyle. This is probably the concept that is most difficult for people to understand. People tend to move toward relationships that are familiar and thus most comfortable. "Comfort" in this sense does not necessarily mean physical or emotional contentment; but, rather "comfort" in the sense of having lived in similar situations. Superficially, it seems easier to deal with the "known" and "expected" than with uncertainty. For example, there are women who repeatedly marry alcoholic men. In a therapeutic session with a woman in her forties, we reviewed her life and relationships. She had been married seven times to seven alcoholics. Between each marriage, -- and consistent throughout her life, -- was one man who was not an alcoholic. She admitted truly enjoying his company, but never married him and could not figure out why. Her father was an alcoholic. She grew up with and understood living with alcoholism. She knew from her mother how to be the wife of an alcoholic and knew how to live in the dysfunction of alcoholism. She seemed to keep going back to what was most familiar, -- and thus most "comfortable."For brevity, this is necessarily a simplified explanation. To explain it a little further, -- if a spaceship landed in your front yard, the door opened, and funny little green people came out, -- you might be frightened. What if I assured you that these were very friendly people, that they would take you to live on another planet in a stress-free paradise, but you could never return to what you now know as life on Earth? Would you go with the aliens? Probably not. Because you haven't been there, you don't know if you can trust me, and you don't know what to expect. You would probably stay where you are, -- despite creditors banging on the door, a leaking roof, your mother-in-law living with you, standing daily in the unemployment line, your daughter prostituting herself, and your son in jail for dealing drugs. The unknown and uncertain can be too frightening for change, -- even when it is needed or wanted. THE BLIND: Not realizing it is "abuse."It might seem obvious that if a woman is being beaten to the extent that she is trying to cover bruises with heavy make-up and making occasional (or frequent) trips to the emergency room for treatment, that it would be clear to her that she is a victim of abuse. This is not necessarily true. After working unsuccessfully for several sessions with a domestic violence victim who had been referred to therapy for other issues, I finally said, "Perhaps you should check out some women's shelters." She seemed rather puzzled and responded, "But those are for abused women."This is not an uncommon occurrence and can carry clinical labels like "denial." But whatever the label, reason, or rationale, there are victims who do not apply the term "abuse" to themselves. These can be very intelligent women who may even have friends who have been abused, are aware that their friends are victims, -- and yet do not see themselves as "abused" -- despite repeated confirming evidence. Also, there are women who have never known peace and happiness, -- and just do not know that it exists. This can be like the "spaceship" example. If I have not been there, if I have not seen it and felt it, if I do not know where it is, -- then I do not know that it exists. How can I have the desire for something, -- and the motivation and means to seek it out, -- if I do not know it exists? THE WORTHLESS: "No one else would ever love me."Women who remain in abusive relationships may feel undeserving of love or happiness. To compound these unworthy feelings, physical batterers also emotionally violate their victims. This emotional violation generally takes the form of berating and degrading the victim with comments like: "You're stupid" "Nobody likes you" "Everyone can see you're crazy" "No one else would put up with you but me" "You could never get by on your own" -- and "You're damned lucky to have me."For a woman who already doubts her own self-worth, these continuing and incessant messages can become a part of what she tells herself and what she believes about herself. Thus, the comments become a self-fulfilling prophecy. In other words, she lives as she sees herself -- useless and hopeless. THE DEFECTIVE: "I deserved it; I'll do better."This problem is an extension of "no one else would ever love me," -- and involves issues of poor self-worth and heightened self-blame. Some women blame themselves for being hit, believing it is something they did, or did not do, that brought on the assault. They may even believe that the beating was justified punishment. This can occur with the assistance of the batterer, who may be giving very distinct messages, -- "If you could just learn to do it right, I wouldn't have to do this."Some batterers ironically attempt to keep their dysfunctional lives in control by compulsively ordering their environment. The movie, "Sleeping with the Enemy" depicted this type of abuser. If his wife did not hang the bathroom towels exactly as defined by him, or keep the kitchen cabinets expertly stocked and arranged, -- then he beat her.Also, included in this category of abusers are those who are obsessively jealous, and most often without any justification. These unreasonably jealous husbands continually imagine their wives are cheating on them. They generally try to keep their wives home -- and without any friends or activities outside of the home. The expectation is that the wife will be waiting at home to tend only to the needs and desires of her husband.In these situations, the victims live in a type of fantasy world believing that if they are "good" then they will not be hit again. Or, even worse, that they truly need to learn how to be a better wife, homemaker -- and generally a better person. THE MANAGER: "I can keep it from happening again."Whether or not the abused wife believes she was wrong, there is frequently the feeling, "I can keep this from happening again."This is what I call the "If I just do this or that" syndrome. The fallacy in this thinking is that it will work. "Next time I will say it a different way," or "next time I will do it a different way," -- so he won't get so upset.The victim takes on the role of being the "peacemaker" and takes on the responsibility for keeping the batterer from becoming angry and aggressive. She generally spends a great deal of time thinking about what happened during the most recent screaming or hitting episode, -- and plans how to "manage" it differently next time.The "management" and advance planning involves not only thinking through how the situation will be different next time, but actually rehearsing what to say and do. In therapeutic terms, this is called "scripting."Think of "scripting" like writing for a play or movie. The writer prepares a "script" for the performers to rehearse and play out.The problem of a person "scripting" in real life is that the other "players" haven't read the "script" and do not play out their roles. The end result is that all the advance planning to "manage" the situation doesn't work. Despite repeated failure to "script" or "manage" the situation, the abused wife continues to try the same "management" plan over and over, -- never doubting that it will work next time. THE GULLIBLE: "He's really sorry this time, and it won't happen again."As you can see, each of these reasons that women stay with abusive men have some common ingredients.The fantasies of "it won't happen again" weave through most of the issues. In this case, it can be the result of a batterer using prolonged and profuse apologies, promising that it will never happen again, -- that he will "change" -- and frequently accompanied by gifts and tears.Since we would all like to think we seek peace, happiness, and love, the woman wants to believe the promises and wants to look forward to better times. And for a while things may be better, -- in fact so much better that it seems like a honeymoon.Many people say they have incredible sex after a big fight. There are many emotional and physiological reasons for this that exceed the scope of this overview. The problem is that the "honeymoon" is generally short lived. And the bigger problem is, -- some couples begin to equate truly exciting sex with the aftermath of a huge, loud, and sordid fight.I have seen women in therapy who could no longer content themselves with a non-combative relationship. They complained that it is "boring" and that the sexual relationship is not exciting. These women have become so accustomed to the roller-coaster emotional highs and lows that they appear to thrive on the thrill-ride, while at the same time hating the assaults.One victim explained that she had experienced beatings followed by ecstatic sex for years. In tears, she said she was now unable to enjoy sex without the turmoil and suffering of being beaten first. The association of pain followed by the reward and satisfaction of sexual experiences was well ingrained into this woman's expectations and lifestyle.Additionally, she described her need to have the level of pain increase to maintain the same level of ecstasy. This is not unlike many life experiences in which we adjust to levels of pleasure or pain, -- and can then tolerate or desire greater levels. And, -- it is not completely unlike increased tolerance for alcohol or drugs (although this is a different physiological mechanism). Top of Page ~ End of Page THE PRETENDER: "I know I make him sound terrible, but he's really a good person most of the time."Although this defense is common with victims, one client in particular was the best example of this misperception. She cried through three sessions, talking almost non-stop about one terrible event after another of her husband's aggressive and assaultive behaviors.When I began to summarize her fragile and troubling plight in a futile hope that she might hear it, she quickly jumped the fence and defended her husband. "I know I make him sound terrible, but he's really a good person most of the time."As mentioned at the beginning of this overview, this may sound unreasonable to the outsider who has not experienced abuse. But think about it. This woman chose this man, she lives with him, he is the father of their children, -- and represents a large portion of her life. In an odd way, defending him is also defending her life, her choices, -- and quite possibly protecting her fingertip grasp of reality and sanity.Additionally, it is highly likely that there have been pressures from others, -- friends, family, community agencies, school staff, and police officers, -- who have told her repeatedly to leave. She is probably very accustomed to justifying her choices and dilemma. It becomes a pattern of crying out for help and then denying a need for help. THE DEFENDER: "He didn't mean to hurt me."This is the defensive extension of "...but he's really a good person." Law enforcement officers will readily attest to this off and on reaction by victims of domestic violence.Most officers will readily admit that they place calls of domestic violence very low on their job satisfaction list. The standard pattern is that the call comes in, officers are dispatched, and by the time they arrive the "victim" has changed her mind. Or worse, the couple is still engaged in battle, but then turn on the officers when they try to intervene. Or, the victims bails her husband out of jail, -- refusing to press charges.Some of the same dynamics are part of this situation -- the need to defends one's family and life. And, -- the fantasy that everything will be okay, because "He didn't mean to hurt me."An ongoing and escalating domestic violence situation relayed to me by a police officer illustrates how bad this can become. The officer said he had been called to the same house time and time again. Each time the wife was in worse shape. Each time the wife said she was leaving the abuser, -- and each time she refused to press charges, -- and she stayed.The last time the officer was called, the wife was collapsed in a corner with her face bashed in, -- and the batterer was standing over her still screaming obscenities. The officer said it took every rational restraint over his internal reaction to not "blow away" the abuser.As the woman was being taken by ambulance to the hospital, the officer told her that he was bringing the coroner with him the next time, -- because she couldn't possibly live through it again. She finally left. But that does not usually happen.This conflict reminds me of an old song, -- "I wish that I could hurt that way again, at least I had you every now and then; and in-between the bad times, there always were some good times, -- I wish that I could hurt that way again." THE CARETAKER: "No one else understands him the way I do."This is what I call being "pulled into the pity-party." These abusers can do a real number on their victims.Beatings are generally followed by apologies, -- with an added ingredient -- "no one understands me." This generally unfolds with long, sobbing, frequently drunk, sagas of how terrible life has been, -- including abuse the abuser suffered as a child. The sagas are usually highlighted with "you're the only person I've ever told this to" and "you're the only one who truly understands me."Unfortunately, the sad stories told by the abuser are generally true and confirmable. However, they also serve the purpose of engendering the sympathy of the victim, -- and help to keep her there, -- to be victimized again.Victims have repeatedly told me, "I can't leave him; I don't know what would happen to him, -- no one else understands him." THE FANTASIZER: "But I love him."Some abuse victims have cried through therapy sessions, detailing event after event of being violently beaten, calling for police protection, having family members come to the rescue, and alternately moving in and out of their homes.I ask the obvious question, "So, why do you stay with him?" These victims do not try to defend their husbands and do not make excuses for their abusers. They simply say, -- "Because I love him."This statement of faith and love extends beyond the reality of the relationship and circles back to some (or all) of the problems mentioned above, -- low self-worth, false hopes of how things will change, plans to "manage" the situation, and illusions that with patience and love she will change her husband.The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. In other words, if someone has been doing something for years, it is likely (without some unusual intervention) that the same behaviors will continue. It is a fantasy to think otherwise. THE MARTYR: "He isn't hurting the children; if he ever did, I'd leave."A young child was referred by his school counselor because he was drawing pictures of knives stabbing an adult male, -- whom he identified as his stepfather, -- with red-crayoned blood spilling all over the pages.It didn't take long to get this small quiet boy's mother involved in therapy and learn that her husband was physically violent. The mother's defense for remaining in the relationship was that "he doesn't hurt my children."She was absolutely adamant that if he "ever so much as laid a hand" on her children she would leave immediately. She added that she felt as long as he was beating her, he wouldn't "need" to take out his anger on the children.It took a little longer to help the mother see that her children were indeed being hurt, if not physically, then certainly emotionally. The mother was a martyr operating under the guise of protector, -- but she was not protecting her children.She could not at first see that her children were learning at a tender and impressionable age that life is unpredictable, violent, and filled with hate. When asked where the children were and what they did when their stepfather was beating their mother, she responded that she screamed for them to "jump through the windows and run to the neighbors" for safety and help.These young children were learning how to include violence in their own relationships, marriages, and families, -- and they were living in fear for their mother, -- and for themselves. THE HELPLESS: "I can't support the children on my own."Many, if not most women who are victims of domestic violence are not financially independent. There are several reasons for this lack of independence.As mentioned above, batterers frequently try to alienate their wives from outside forces. This gives the abuser more control over the victim, -- without the interference of those who try to get the abused woman out of the situation. It also keeps her more dependent on him, to insure that she will not walk out.Also, so much time and energy goes into surviving, trying to keep the home peaceful, and trying to avoid conflict, that the abused woman generally has little strength or time remaining to pursue independent activities and goals.Even if there is a strong desire to escape the violent episodes, the basic needs of food, shelter, and clothing for her children generally supersede the mother's need for her own safety. This is paradoxical in that the children could thrive and develop more productively with less financial support -- and less violence.Once a mother has braved the financial fears and extricated herself and her children from a violent home, she generally discovers that she and her children are actually much better off, and survive with more love and happiness than they ever imagined possible. THE HOPELESS: "He'll kill me if I try to leave him."This is probably the most difficult of all issues to overcome when trying to help abused women escape violence.Even though in most cases the threats of death are not carried out, -- sometimes they are, -- and there is no way to guarantee the outcome.When I was preparing this essay, I discussed domestic violence with Fr. Robert Wheelock (Franciscan Peacemakers). He relayed a devastating story to me.Fr. Wheelock worked at a shelter with others who provided services for abusive men. It was a 23 week program. After the 22nd week of one series, one of the group members did not show up. Wheelock subsequently learned that the batterer's girl friend had decided she was not going to reunite with him after he finished the 23 week course.When the man learned about his girl friend's decision, he went to the city building where she worked. He gained entry with a shotgun hidden under his coat, ordered everyone out, took his former girl friend into a walk-in safe, made her strip, -- and then shot and killed her.Closer to home, one of my relatives left her violent husband despite his threats to kill her. He found where she was living in another town and stalked her with a loaded pistol. He ultimately showed up on her property brandishing a pistol and shouting threats. When the Deputy Sheriff arrived to try to intervene, the abuser emptied his revolver point blank into the chest of the Deputy.Women in abusive relationships that have escalated to threats of death must decide if they will continue to endure the violence that could also end in death, -- or if they will take the risk to leave. This decision can be in the form of no decision, -- which is in itself a decision to stay.Our adult protective system and shelters must do more to help these women and their children. But this plea is met with the valid complaint from those who try to protect, -- that the abused women they are sheltering will call their abusers and give away confidential housing locations, -- endangering others in the safe-house.The solution to the ultimate threat of death is to leave an abuser as soon as the violence begins, and not to wait until it has escalated to threats of death. But that is overstating the obvious. "Domestic Violence: Why Women Stay" (written at the request of the The Franciscan Peacemakers) is being used by state agencies, judges, social workers, and therapists in workshops, conferences, mental health treatment centers, abuse shelters, child protective services, and community domestic violence programs. This overview of domestic violence was designed to help abuse victims quickly recognize distorted thoughts and behaviors that might be keeping them and their children at risk and in danger. by Nancy Faulkner, Ph.D, for The Franciscan Peacemakers December 1, 1997