Question: Aren't we responsible for the way others feel? Most people believe they are responsible for feelings others have, and that others are responsible for the feelings they themselves have. Growing up, we have had many experiences when parents said, in effect, "If you do that, I'll feel bad," or "You make (made) me feel…" When we are little, so important is the good will of those big people who take care of us that we learn to control our behavior in order to win their approval and "make" them feel good. As adults we often naively believe we are still responsible for the way others feel. Women in particular are taught that they should make others feel OK, good, happy. These beliefs live on as social myths in adult life. When a husband says, (or implies by actions) "If I'm happy, why aren't you happy?", his wife feels stumped. He is stating that one of her prime functions is to keep him "happy," and she has probably accepted that belief as part of her feminine role. We can, indeed, influence others' feelings, by insult, physical abuse, breaking agreements, or discounting others or their ideas or feelings. if someone pushes me, steps on my toes, breaks an agreement, the effect is some feeling response in me: they are influencing my feelings and I react. But how exactly I feel and how long I harbor that feeling is within my choice. None of the above cause me to feel a specific way, When there is a traffic jam on the expressway, notice the varied ways people fret in response to the stalling: some are impatient, others angry, others anxious, others friendly and courteous, etc. Behavior which does not infringe upon another's space or dignity or previous agreement does not cause feelings. I cannot make someone mad, sad, glad, scared, as if there were certain buttons there for me to press. Generally people choose their feelings in accordance with their past experiences and personality tendencies. We make several mistakes in dealing with feelings: 1. We avoid awareness of what is going on within us, simply blocking feelings, with the result that we feel tired, bored, frustrated, depressed, sleepy, etc., without really knowing why (and blocked feelings can sabotage us later). 2. We discount whatever feelings whisper or clamor to be heard within us, with the result that we may go along with someone, something we really don't want to, storing resentments. 3. We allow feelings to accumulate until we "explode" at something trivial, let it all out, dumping our gunny-sack, cashing in our resentment collections, with ensuing uproar, hard feelings and guilt afterwards, and a sense that it was all for naught. 4. We sometimes harbor certain feelings and tend to look for ways to feel that way (triumphant, inadequate, kicked, one-up, cheated, etc.). 5. We over-react to an event or experience: some feeling is currently experienced as a natural reaction but we are reminded of previous feelings about ourselves, or others, or similar situations, which are much stronger than the present event would call for. 6. We "jokingly" needle each other in a social situation, taking a cowardly cop-out rather than courageously expressing our annoyance in private. 7. We work ourselves up into a real stew by what we think, say to ourselves, or imagine about someone without ever checking it out, putting ourselves on the Side-of-the-Angels (or consider ourselves "insulted," "ignored," "un-liked" or other self-made conclusions. 8. We don't deal with our feelings toward a certain person (boss, spouse, friend) but then cake it out on someone who is less threatening (spouse, child, other friend). Some are nice guys and sweethearts at work, but "hell-on-wheels" at home. 9. We wait for feelings to change before initiating new behavior we know is more reasonable and fitting. "I can reveal the way I feel by the things I say and do; by changing the things I say and do, I can change my feelings too."-Jennie Ernst. 10. We do not challenge the personal myth that so-and-so causes my feelings, because to do so would involve my taking responsibility for the way I feel, confronting my past ways of thinking, risk changing, and perhaps risk confronting someone. 11. We sometimes use feelings (or try to) to control other's behaviors in demanding that they live up co our expectations and/or standards, e.g., "You should not behave that way or I'll be hurt ......" There is a subtle but very important distinction regarding the last-mentioned mistake: using feelings to control someone (for example: when you do something I'll feel a certain way… This is emotional blackmail and makes others responsible for the way I feel, and I may nurse this feeling in order to get them to change, notice me, do what I want, etc. In this behavior is the grandiosity of the three and four year old child whose emotions are the center of the universe and who cannot image that others can and do feel very differently about the same situation. "If I feel this way so strongly, how can you feel so different?" Many adults still have this grandiosity. We each live in our own unique perceptual worlds; none of us is in contact with reality, but only our individual perceptions and models of that reality. On the other hand, it is important that we learn to confront others, that is, "to face" them with behavior that discounts us, others, themselves or the situation. You may need to confront another when uncomfortable with his/her behavior because it is getting in the way of your getting what you want, or when someone you care about is doing something harmful to himself or to you or to others; or finally when someone you are working with undercuts mutually agreed upon goals. Confrontation intends to give the problem back to the person who is trying to avoid it in some way or give it to you. Confrontation techniques arc aimed at helping people take into account 1) their own feelings, 2) other people's feelings, and 3) the situation, in order to solve problems effectively. Caring for oneself involves sometimes saying: "I want you to know that I am uncomfortable with what you are doing (and want you to stop and...)". Caring for someone else involves sometimes saying- "I think what you are doing is not good for you. Are you open to the way I see things?..." It is necessary to be specific about the behaviors involved and the feelings you are having, beginning statements with "I feel," "I think," not "you are" or "you make me." Effective confrontation can only be done from a position of caring about yourself and about the other person; it can easily become blaming or nit-picking. When you have confronted in this manner, you have at least taken care of your own feelings. Whether change results is up to the other. The above techniques take practice. More women are recognizing the value of assertiveness training classes, consciousness-raising and personal growth groups. These are highly recommended because most of us need to change not only the way we think, but also practice, and find support for, changing our behavior, habits, and attitudes. What then is the healthy way to think about myself and my feelings? I am in charge of my life. I will stop making how I feel depend upon others. I choose how I will feel (given the absence of organic dysfunction). I will be more aware Of my feelings and those of others in my transactions. If I am appropriately considerate I will not be overly sensitive or protective of others or my own feelings. I am not responsible for the ways others feel. Taking care of my wants, my feelings, my needs is up to me, and to put these first is not being selfish (unless I manipulate-and discount others) but necessary for my well being, both physical and emotional. r can choose to feel good and to stay with good feelings about myself and others regardless of what the past has been. I can take care of my feelings by learning to confront others when their behavior upsets me or infringes upon my rights. When others 'hurt' my feelings I decide how to feel and how long I will feel that way. I need not accept any 'put-downs.' I can allow others to feel very differently about the same situation without taking it personally. I am the one who determines the meaning of my life and my happiness. Copyright Paschal Baute, 1977, from March 1977 issue of Bluegrass Woman Reprinted with permission. More by Paschal can be found by visiting his web site: www.paschalbaute.com/writing.