Rent-A-Friend –
"Large & Complex" Sample
from "Suzy"
a step dad's priorities when dating
Holly, I would be very appreciative if you would give me your professional thoughts on this.
I have no one to ask and I trust your insight:
Fred and I have been dating about 8 weeks now. On our second date he told me that he has two
children and that they will always come first in his life and that anyone he dates must accept
this. At the time this statement seemed natural enough since most parents do feel this way.
As time progressed, however, I learned that these are not his biological children. The children
belong to his ex-wife and her previous husband. Fred and his ex-wife were married for about 5
years and have been divorced for 7 years. The girl is 16 years old. The boy is 13 years old.
These teenagers never call Fred. I have asked if they do and he said "no". When I asked why
they don't call him, he said he is hard to reach by telephone (yet he carries a cell phone with
him 24/7). I asked if the children ever e-mail him, and he said "no". When I asked
why they don't, he said that he didn't know. I asked if the children consider him to be a
step-father and he said that they consider him to be a friend.
Meanwhile he travels down to Georgia from Maine to visit the children every month. In one of
our conversations he stated that he thinks his ex-wife wants to resume their relationship but
that he didn't want to. He claims that he "cannot stand her". While in Maine he bought
the girl a new wardrobe and the boy a new dirt bike. Fred is a computer programer and makes a
good income. The biological father, pays about $30,000 a year in child support. Both biological
parents are very active in the children's lives. Their father sees the children weekly. The
children do not lack for material possessions or parental supervision.
Fred claims that his ex is schizophrenic. I very much doubt this as from what I am being told
she is successful in business and is raising healthy, well-adjusted children.
During a conversation with Fred he told me that his best friend (of 40 years duration) said
that Fred should not be going to Georgia over the holidays to see the children. His friend
thought this was wrong. Fred responded by saying that his best friend "simply doesn't
see the reality of the situation".
Here is the part that causes me the most concern: On his last trip to Georgia, while he was
out shopping with his step-son, Fred called and left a message on my answering machine. The
message stated that his ex-wife and step-daughter were not getting along and that he wanted
to bring her (the daughter) to Maine to live with us. When Fred returned from Georgia I had
a talk with him. I told him that it is unusual for 16 year old girls to get along with their
mothers. I also said that the girl would not be happy living with me (a stranger) and that
the courts would not give her – a single 16 year old female to Fred as he is a
single, unrelated male. I also said I had no interest in raising a child. Fred responded that
he didn't really think his step-daughter would be coming to live with us.
Two weeks later Fred and I were in the car and he said that if his ex-wife died tomorrow he
would bring the daughter to live with us. This started the bells ringing really loudly in my
mind. I responded that the ex is healthy and unlikely to die, and that the courts would not
give Fred the children. I emphasized that the children have two parents and that their
biological father would most likely bring the kids to live with him, but failing that, there
were a number of relatives (grandparents, aunts) who would raise the children. Fred said that
none of the relatives including the father would raise the children, the courts would not get
involved, and that his ex could always die in an auto accident – with this statement
I became frightened.
I asked Fred what need the children were filling for him. He said he didn't know. I mentioned
that I thought it was strange that the ex-wife would allow him to take the girl out unescorted.
He became angry at that, wanted to know what I meant by it. I told him that the world is not a
safe place and there are men who do like young women and he became angrier and told me he was
hurt that I would insinuate something like that about him. So, I let that subject drop.
What are your thoughts? My friends think I should have a private conversation with Fred's best
friend letting him know my concerns and trust that he will tell Fred what I said. I don't think
that is a very good idea, but I am concerned that this is not a healthy fantasy and that, in my
opinion, the relationship with the children borders on the obsessive. Does this fantasy of a 16
year old girl coming to live with him upon his ex-wife's death seem healthy to you? Does it seem
healthy that he is chasing after the children after 7 years of being divorced? Does it seem
strange that even though he goes down to Georgia monthly to see the children, and they do not
contact him between visits? If you don't think this is healthy behavior, what would your
suggestions be?
Thank you for your thoughts.
Suzy
Holly's Response
Hi Suzy,
You have quite a bucket of snakes here. I'll untangle them to address individually first, and
then address the entire mish-mash.
Your boyfriend's children were age 1 and 4 when he married their mother. It makes sense that
he would tend to view them as his own, emotionally. Apparently, his ex-wife's previous husband
did not give up his parental rights, since he is paying support on both of the teens. This
would imply that your man has not legally adopted the children, but that would not necessarily
impact his feelings for them. He may be carrying a load of guilt for abandoning these kids so
quickly after their biological father did the same thing.
Teen-aged kids rarely telephone or correspond with an absentee parent. They are generally very
busy with their peers, and these two kids apparently have at least two absentee fathers.
The ex-wife sounds like she was fairly unstable in her committed relationships, and likely,
judging by the young ages of the children when her first marriage broke up, jumped into another
relationship rather quickly. Does your man seem attracted to women he perceives as needy? Is he
a rescuer, a knight in shining armor? If she is actually working in a successful business, it
does seem unlikely that she is a schizophrenic. This, however, is not my area of expertise, so
I could easily not be up to date on the effectiveness of the anti-psychotic drugs.
Suzy, how do you know that she is working at a high functioning level, and that she is raising
two "healthy, well adjusted children?" Is this based on your boyfriend's say-so? You
have mentioned several areas where you seem to be questioning his honesty and mental health
status. Is your discomfort in your mind, or in your gut? In other words, is it based on
intellectualizing, or a strong gut feeling that something is wrong?
From your email, it does appear that he has a strong need to be right, and that he tests your
reactions to the bait he tosses out, and adjusts his answers to please you. These issues raise
red flags for me. Do you sense that he has a dangerous/dark/"bad-boy" side to him? Does he
appear to react on a sexual level to teen girls in general? Another red flag is how frequently
he answers your questions by saying, "I don't know." That is evasive, a non-answer.
His ex-wife likely has cause to trust him with her daughter, since he helped to raise her for
five years. So far, we know of no reason for her to suspect that he is a pedophile. Based on
what you have said, I see no reason why he oughtn't be allowed to take the girl out for the
afternoon.
You need to ask yourself certain questions. Are you annoyed at the amount of money that he
spends on children that he considers to be his own kids? Is your lack of trust in him, as
reflected by you analyzing of his actions and unspoken motivations, based on your own history,
or on his behaviors alone?
Using his close friend to communicate your concerns to your man is called triangulation. It
is a very indirect way to communicate, and serves to further muddy the waters, and put distance
in what is sounding like a supposedly intimate relationship. It's not appropriate for me to
attempt to decipher what is healthy or unhealthy about him based on only your second-hand
rendition to me.
All in all, there are an awful lot of unanswered questions. You need to focus on yourself,
to determine what you are comfortable with in him, and what you can not accept. You are not
going to change him. It does sounds like a troubled relationship, but I can not sort out how
much of it belongs to who, as far as resolving issues, having only heard one side. I would
suggest some individual and couples work, with a skilled professional. You could look into
finding one locally, or you may decide to participate in my new on-line fee-for-service email,
private chat room, or telephone sessions. Best of luck in sorting out the issues in your
relationship.
Holly
